My Body Temple a.k.a. The Skin I'm In

I thought when I left my cooking job ten days ago, my life would become completely meta-physical. However, it turns out that its all about my body these days. It has finally dawned on me that it is important. I have spend my life dissociated, feeling as if my human form was a big anchor weighing me down, preventing me from being free. What I am discovering is that my body is much cooler than that, and it is a part of me, as I am a part of it, be it only for a lifetime. It is time for serious amends.

So, I would like to share a few of the body-awakening thoughts and experiences I have had this week.

Realization:
My body is the container for my Spirit during this lifetime. It is perfect, whole and complete. It is exactly the body I need to assist my Soul on Its path.

I have started Feldenkrais. It is a type of neuro-muscular re-education. Basically, it involves me lying on a mat, and making gentle movements with my body in ways it is not used to moving (which for my body, leaves a lot of room!). It is making me feel more aware of myself, and surprisingly more agile.

This new practice, has led me to walk differently. I used to go for a walk, and I would think to myself on the way up the hill, "Oh, I am so out of shape... I am so out of breath... I can't wait to get to the top of this hill... I am just not an athletic person... blah, blah, blah..." Now when I walk, I focus on the way my feet make contact with the Earth, the way my muscles feel as my legs are moving forward, what happens in my upper body as all this is happening below, and I focus on how my breath is entering and exiting my body. No judgement, just an observation. I get up that hill with so much less effort!

So, this week I have given up Sugar and Caffeine. I am detoxing. Irritable, hard to think straight, hyper-sensitive, hyper-critical... these are a few of the symptoms. But it is worth it. I want to be clear- headed and spiritually centered. That is my goal. In order to be a channel for my Highest Self, I feel like I want to be clean. To me that means letting go of the addictions which distract me from my path.
Yesterday, I observed my mind going straight from having a food craving to tranquilizing itself in the realm of fantasy. Any addiction will do! It made me feel instantly anesthetized, but that is not what I want, so I caught myself, and returned to reality. I do not want a quick fix, as pleasurable as the fix might feel at the time.

I am grateful for the skin I am in. It has brought me everywhere I have needed to go. I am committed to being integrated body, mind, and Spirit. I put a full length mirror in my bathroom, and I now stand before it in all my glory and tell myself, I love and appreciate you. It sounds hokey, but it feels really satisfying. As I was walking today, I thought, why not re-define myself as a physically fit person, why not embrace my beauty? This is my life, and I can define it however I choose. I no longer want to be stuck in my own limited view of myself.

I keep saying I am in the River, flowing with whatever feels like the next right thing. Today, a "random" encounter with a person whom I like, but haven't had much social contact with, led me to an invitation to actually jump in a real river and ride the current tomorrow afternoon. Sounds fun, but I am nervous. I haven't been swimming in a while. The water is pretty cold now. The current might be strong. But I am going for it, because really, it is just what I need and what I want. It is a tremendous gift. It will clear my head of all this incessant chatter. So into the river I go!!!

open

I remember hearing that the best thing to do when you are falling is to try and relax your body. If you tense up, you have more of an opportunity for serious injury.

When I am able to be completely open, I feel myself connect with other people in a soulful way. I feel complete. When I am not open, I feel a deep loneliness. I cover it up with humor, work, food, television. These things distract me, make me temporarily forget what it is that I am missing. The fear comes on quickly, constricts every vessel in my body, causes me to start reacting and stop making conscious choices.

What am I afraid of? If I allow myself to be completely open and to connect, I might get hurt, or I might hurt someone else. If I stay hidden inside my puffer fish costume, I will never run that risk. If I am truly open, I may be vulnerable and I may get hurt. So What? What do I really have to lose?

What I want is to love and to be loved on a soul level. I am tired of the masks. I want to be the same person on the inside as I am on the outside (and vice-versa).


It comes down to trust. When I meditate, I fill myself up with Spirit. At that point I am safe. I am not going to take anything from anyone and no one is going to take anything from me. Namaste."The Spirit in me, respects the Spirit in you". No Fear.

This is the easiest, most effective way to get there that I know (so far):
http://www.finerminds.com/meditation/meditation-divine-saturation/

Gratitude List

100 things I am grateful for... (in no particular order)...


the change of seasons
curiosity
my life-path
TRUST
willingness to be open
courage
cats
my body/mind
honest and supportive friendships
boundaries
I am able to notice the beauty of nature
I can see the stars at night
I can say NO
I can say YES
every day I get a little bit more comfortable in my own skin
the Internet
In my immediate environment, it is safe to be a woman
shift in consciousness
opportunity to connect with other people on a meaningful level
discovery of Astrology/Tarot
powerlessness which leads to surrender
willing to look at myself honestly
ability to ask for/receive help
difficult relationships I have had in my life which have facilitated my willingness to heal
spiritual teachers/books I have read
I can cook
I can swim
I can ski
I can sail
I can ride a horse
I can talk to and relate to almost anyone
my belief in abundance
belief there is a Reason Why, ability to let go of the need to know
having seen the Parthenon in person, the Hermitage, the Rockies and the Redwoods
a lot of really great concerts
my iPod
my computer
ability to laugh, to cry and to grieve
ability to love myself, to look at myself in the mirror and say it, and mean it
toilet paper
hot running water
electricity 
my car
glasses
Art
forgetfulness
memory
education
people who have been willing to teach me
spiders
garbage men (or women!)
nature/ the whole Eco-system is cool
courage to take opportunities when they are presented
humor
love without strings
clean, good tasting water
electric mattress warmer
woodstove
i like bugs
intuition
appreciation
enthusiasm
refracted light
ibuprofen
Neosporin
free lectures at my Astrology College
smell of rain
smell of horses
gifts my Mom gave me
evolution
hope
weather
floating on the water
i know that i have choices
wide-eyed optimism
humility
access to information
online bill pay
the Hurricane missed us
people who have come before us and did their best to evolve!
soap
imagination
color
brief moments of inner peace
flashes of inspiration
femininity
masculinity
when my own healing is helpful to others
A-ha moments
goldfinches/cedar waxwings
cooking career/and that it is now over
the shadow side
temptation
music
transformation
freedom
quiet
the proper tool for the job
dishwasher
faith
distraction
flexibility
moments when desire for change beats out fear

Mercury Stations

3 a.m. I was sleeping peacefully. I went to bed thinking happy thoughts following a spectacular astrology class and a great day training my replacement chef in the kitchen. All of a sudden, kablam! I am awake and obsessed. Aggressive mental suggestions turn into an emotional bender. All of a sudden, I have a headache (invalidating the self according to Louise Hay). I am clearly not going back to sleep any time soon.

Why all the sudden drama? Am I sabotaging myself because I am so close to actualizing my dream of a new life? Have I put too much pressure on myself, and now reality is crashing in on me? (I'd better check with Saturn). I'll have to admit, I have this vision that I will wake up September 2nd, the day after I stop cooking for a living, and become this ideal of myself. At the same time, I have a tremendous amount of fear that his will NOT happen. In reality, I will still just be me, warts and all, and that is OK.

I feel better now. Mercury is happy, I have communicated my observations about how I am feeling. (My natal Merc is in Cancer) My Gemini Sun is happy too. (Ruled by Mercury). Even my Sag Moon feels a little bit less out of bounds. Headache is lightening up.

Rev. Michael Beckwith says "choice is a function of awareness". I am aware that my thoughts are not rational at the moment, and I trust the process of my life. I choose to sit beside my fears and know they do not define me.

Does it have to be dramatic?

My life is a great experiment at this point. I am completely changing because I want to, not because I have to. I am not experiencing any life-threatening illnesses (with the exception of life on Earth itself), I have not recently experienced a bump on the head, I was not terminated at work, I have not experienced recent trauma. I simply have made a decision- set an intention.

I can no longer fight with my own sense of integrity. I do not want to miss out on living my best, most fulfilled life. It is "put your money where your mouth is" time for me. If I am not willing to follow my heart, how can I possibly advise or believe that anyone else could or should? If the faith that I have is not guiding me on the path which is right for me, I want to know now. It is a lot of work having faith, and if mine is misplaced, why not find out now?

So, what I am going to find out is whether or not transfiguration has to be painful or dramatic. Does the caterpillar feel anything while in the chrysalis? The result is dramatic, in our perception anyway. But is the suffering really necessary? Can we just choose the life we want? And if we are not living it already, what do we really have to lose?

Baby's first Blog

Ok, so I am cliff-diving. Day after tomorrow, I begin training my replacement to take my place at "the best job I ever had". This will end my successful, well-respected career of twenty-something years as a Chef, and will lead me to jump, head first, off into the unknown to pursue my dream of being an astrologer/healer/teacher.

I will write more about my attraction to Astrology later, but for now, what I am thinking about is what I refer to as "The Great Divorce", the end of my relationship with cooking as a career, and the beginning of a new connection with cooking in a more personal sense, as a way I nurture myself.

For the most part, I have had a passionate, trans-formative relationship with cooking. This has taught me a multitude of lessons. During the first half of our time together, I learned how to be powerful and strong, developed my sense of individuality and fluffed my EGO. In the last part of my career, I learned humility, servitude, how let go of the need to be right in order to make myself and others happy. Cooking brought me my husband of 17 years (we met in culinary school), and allowed me to travel all over the place and support myself. It awakened my senses and gave me a deeper appreciation of some of the more exquisite things in life. It connected me on a trans-personal level with all kinds of people and cultures in all kinds of places. I have been able to recreate dishes for people which remind them of lost loved ones or happy memories from the past. For all these things, I am grateful.

In the meantime though, I lost a certain part of my ability to nurture myself in a healthy way. I have given it all away through my career, and I have been disinterested in caring for my own body. I cook a beautiful meal at work, and I come home and eat frozen pizza. I am on my feet all day, but when I am not at work, I have trouble motivating myself to move.

In the restaurant business, I learned to eat fast, whenever I could, usually standing over a trash can in between orders. This frenzied behavior has not changed, even when I am at home (I don't eat standing up, usually I chow down in front of the t.v.).  Very rarely do I bother to sit at the table. Very rarely do I actually taste and smell and appreciate my food. If I did, I would probably not want to eat such crap.

Then there is another dark side of our relationship, not specifically with my career, but with food itself, and with the way I have taken care of, or not taken care of my body. And that is about safety for me. I have felt vulnerable in my life. I have had an instinctual fear that if I am too beautiful or too sexy, I will be attacked or taken advantage of. I have used my weight to protect myself. When I first had this realization, the fat around my belly felt just like a foam rubber life preserver. It was weird.

So, part of diving off the cliff for me, is about re-defining my relationship with food, and making it personal for me. I feel safe in my body and on the Earth, and I am comfortable being beautiful. I want to experience everything life has to offer, and not be trapped by fear in my own body.

So here is where I begin. Re-parenting myself at a very basic level. I think I will start with eating at the dinner table, no elbows on the table, napkin in the lap, eat my brussels sprouts (ICK)... baby steps. Mindfulness.