3 a.m. I was sleeping peacefully. I went to bed thinking happy thoughts following a spectacular astrology class and a great day training my replacement chef in the kitchen. All of a sudden, kablam! I am awake and obsessed. Aggressive mental suggestions turn into an emotional bender. All of a sudden, I have a headache (invalidating the self according to Louise Hay). I am clearly not going back to sleep any time soon.
Why all the sudden drama? Am I sabotaging myself because I am so close to actualizing my dream of a new life? Have I put too much pressure on myself, and now reality is crashing in on me? (I'd better check with Saturn). I'll have to admit, I have this vision that I will wake up September 2nd, the day after I stop cooking for a living, and become this ideal of myself. At the same time, I have a tremendous amount of fear that his will NOT happen. In reality, I will still just be me, warts and all, and that is OK.
I feel better now. Mercury is happy, I have communicated my observations about how I am feeling. (My natal Merc is in Cancer) My Gemini Sun is happy too. (Ruled by Mercury). Even my Sag Moon feels a little bit less out of bounds. Headache is lightening up.
Rev. Michael Beckwith says "choice is a function of awareness". I am aware that my thoughts are not rational at the moment, and I trust the process of my life. I choose to sit beside my fears and know they do not define me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Does it have to be dramatic?
My life is a great experiment at this point. I am completely changing because I want to, not because I have to. I am not experiencing any life-threatening illnesses (with the exception of life on Earth itself), I have not recently experienced a bump on the head, I was not terminated at work, I have not experienced recent trauma. I simply have made a decision- set an intention.
I can no longer fight with my own sense of integrity. I do not want to miss out on living my best, most fulfilled life. It is "put your money where your mouth is" time for me. If I am not willing to follow my heart, how can I possibly advise or believe that anyone else could or should? If the faith that I have is not guiding me on the path which is right for me, I want to know now. It is a lot of work having faith, and if mine is misplaced, why not find out now?
So, what I am going to find out is whether or not transfiguration has to be painful or dramatic. Does the caterpillar feel anything while in the chrysalis? The result is dramatic, in our perception anyway. But is the suffering really necessary? Can we just choose the life we want? And if we are not living it already, what do we really have to lose?
I can no longer fight with my own sense of integrity. I do not want to miss out on living my best, most fulfilled life. It is "put your money where your mouth is" time for me. If I am not willing to follow my heart, how can I possibly advise or believe that anyone else could or should? If the faith that I have is not guiding me on the path which is right for me, I want to know now. It is a lot of work having faith, and if mine is misplaced, why not find out now?
So, what I am going to find out is whether or not transfiguration has to be painful or dramatic. Does the caterpillar feel anything while in the chrysalis? The result is dramatic, in our perception anyway. But is the suffering really necessary? Can we just choose the life we want? And if we are not living it already, what do we really have to lose?
Monday, August 22, 2011
Baby's first Blog
Ok, so I am cliff-diving. Day after tomorrow, I begin training my replacement to take my place at "the best job I ever had". This will end my successful, well-respected career of twenty-something years as a Chef, and will lead me to jump, head first, off into the unknown to pursue my dream of being an astrologer/healer/teacher.
I will write more about my attraction to Astrology later, but for now, what I am thinking about is what I refer to as "The Great Divorce", the end of my relationship with cooking as a career, and the beginning of a new connection with cooking in a more personal sense, as a way I nurture myself.
For the most part, I have had a passionate, trans-formative relationship with cooking. This has taught me a multitude of lessons. During the first half of our time together, I learned how to be powerful and strong, developed my sense of individuality and fluffed my EGO. In the last part of my career, I learned humility, servitude, how let go of the need to be right in order to make myself and others happy. Cooking brought me my husband of 17 years (we met in culinary school), and allowed me to travel all over the place and support myself. It awakened my senses and gave me a deeper appreciation of some of the more exquisite things in life. It connected me on a trans-personal level with all kinds of people and cultures in all kinds of places. I have been able to recreate dishes for people which remind them of lost loved ones or happy memories from the past. For all these things, I am grateful.
In the meantime though, I lost a certain part of my ability to nurture myself in a healthy way. I have given it all away through my career, and I have been disinterested in caring for my own body. I cook a beautiful meal at work, and I come home and eat frozen pizza. I am on my feet all day, but when I am not at work, I have trouble motivating myself to move.
In the restaurant business, I learned to eat fast, whenever I could, usually standing over a trash can in between orders. This frenzied behavior has not changed, even when I am at home (I don't eat standing up, usually I chow down in front of the t.v.). Very rarely do I bother to sit at the table. Very rarely do I actually taste and smell and appreciate my food. If I did, I would probably not want to eat such crap.
Then there is another dark side of our relationship, not specifically with my career, but with food itself, and with the way I have taken care of, or not taken care of my body. And that is about safety for me. I have felt vulnerable in my life. I have had an instinctual fear that if I am too beautiful or too sexy, I will be attacked or taken advantage of. I have used my weight to protect myself. When I first had this realization, the fat around my belly felt just like a foam rubber life preserver. It was weird.
So, part of diving off the cliff for me, is about re-defining my relationship with food, and making it personal for me. I feel safe in my body and on the Earth, and I am comfortable being beautiful. I want to experience everything life has to offer, and not be trapped by fear in my own body.
So here is where I begin. Re-parenting myself at a very basic level. I think I will start with eating at the dinner table, no elbows on the table, napkin in the lap, eat my brussels sprouts (ICK)... baby steps. Mindfulness.
I will write more about my attraction to Astrology later, but for now, what I am thinking about is what I refer to as "The Great Divorce", the end of my relationship with cooking as a career, and the beginning of a new connection with cooking in a more personal sense, as a way I nurture myself.
For the most part, I have had a passionate, trans-formative relationship with cooking. This has taught me a multitude of lessons. During the first half of our time together, I learned how to be powerful and strong, developed my sense of individuality and fluffed my EGO. In the last part of my career, I learned humility, servitude, how let go of the need to be right in order to make myself and others happy. Cooking brought me my husband of 17 years (we met in culinary school), and allowed me to travel all over the place and support myself. It awakened my senses and gave me a deeper appreciation of some of the more exquisite things in life. It connected me on a trans-personal level with all kinds of people and cultures in all kinds of places. I have been able to recreate dishes for people which remind them of lost loved ones or happy memories from the past. For all these things, I am grateful.
In the meantime though, I lost a certain part of my ability to nurture myself in a healthy way. I have given it all away through my career, and I have been disinterested in caring for my own body. I cook a beautiful meal at work, and I come home and eat frozen pizza. I am on my feet all day, but when I am not at work, I have trouble motivating myself to move.
In the restaurant business, I learned to eat fast, whenever I could, usually standing over a trash can in between orders. This frenzied behavior has not changed, even when I am at home (I don't eat standing up, usually I chow down in front of the t.v.). Very rarely do I bother to sit at the table. Very rarely do I actually taste and smell and appreciate my food. If I did, I would probably not want to eat such crap.
Then there is another dark side of our relationship, not specifically with my career, but with food itself, and with the way I have taken care of, or not taken care of my body. And that is about safety for me. I have felt vulnerable in my life. I have had an instinctual fear that if I am too beautiful or too sexy, I will be attacked or taken advantage of. I have used my weight to protect myself. When I first had this realization, the fat around my belly felt just like a foam rubber life preserver. It was weird.
So, part of diving off the cliff for me, is about re-defining my relationship with food, and making it personal for me. I feel safe in my body and on the Earth, and I am comfortable being beautiful. I want to experience everything life has to offer, and not be trapped by fear in my own body.
So here is where I begin. Re-parenting myself at a very basic level. I think I will start with eating at the dinner table, no elbows on the table, napkin in the lap, eat my brussels sprouts (ICK)... baby steps. Mindfulness.
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